Oooh…Aarr….the world’s first pirate voice of Scottish Fitba!

21 August 2007          FLAG FLIES IN FALKIRK – WORLD EXCLUSIVE

Today was a great and historic day for fitba, pirates and flag fans everywhere, as it saw the debut of The Grangemouth Pirates of the Caribbean Tartan Army Supporters Club  (TGPOTCTASC) flag at the Scotland U21 match at Falkirk Stadium. The sparse crowd in the main stand were treated to a world class display of flag waving from the Senators present. Thanks must go to two members of the dreaded Caribbean Youth (our fascist U10s splinter group) who held up a corner of the flag for us. The flag inspired Scotland to a narrow 1-0 victory over the Czech Republic, captain Steven Naismith scored the game’s only goal. News of the flag and it’s magical, inspirational powers quickly filtered North to Aberdeen, and the ‘big’ team recorded a similar scoreline over Sooth Efrikeh the following evening, this time it was Kris ‘King of the Neds’ Boyd who scored the winning goal. 

25 August 2007          WEEGIE-WARBLER IS THE LATEST GPOTCTASC RECRUIT

Two senators from TGPOTCTASC were fortunate enough to meet big-boned weegie-warbler Michelle McManus on Saturday night. The voice-of-an-angel, thighs-of-too-many-angel-delights was at Teviot enjoying a drink with friends. The lardass lovely happily posed for photos with the Senators. I think she should be made an honorory president of TGPOTCTASC and should be in-line to sing our supporters club anthem when we get one.It is a little known fact that Michelle is the mother of Smelltic captain and Scotland player Stephen McManus. Hopefully her wee boy will be on top form when he takes on the Hearts Reserves at Hampden in a couple of weeks

 

Senator Fraser Junior (right) meets Big Miche. A moment nearly as historic as when Nelson Mandela met PW Botha at the end of Apartheid. 

27 August 2007                             BREW HOO HOO

According to Senator Broonaldo, Aberdeen’s arthritic 108 year old striker Craig Brewster has been appointed manager of Inverness Caledonian Thistle for the 2nd time. Despite suffering from dementia and osteoporosis, ‘Special Brew’ (copyright Daily Record) has been on a good run of form recently, signing off with two goals against the Gaybee’s latest comedy goalkeeper on Saturday. More than that, he recently remembered to pull down his trousers AND boxer shorts to have a pee, he only got lost once on the way home from training and he recently was given a new pair of tartan slippers and a pipe to get him through the long winter evenings. Will Brewster be able to survive another cold winter in Inverness?  

28 August           BAIRNS BOSS BAW BLAST

Some of TGPOTCTASC Senators saw Fawkurk ease 2-1 past the Links Park Dynamos on the Gable Endie ’Field Turf’  this evening. Afterwards boss Yogi said the ball was like one you get with petrol coupons at a garage. Does he mean one of those ‘Mitre Flighter’ ones that you toe poke and they swerve in six different directions? You usually find them in a bucket at Woolies with plastic fishing rods and half price Michelle McManus CDs (sorry darling)

 28-29 Aug 07                      HAIL HAIL – FOLLOW FOLLOW 

Well the Ugly Sisters of Scottish Fitba have both scraped through to the big boy stages of the Champions League. This now gives them loads of money to buy the rest of Scotland’s top young players like Steven Naismith, before putting them on the bench and then selling them on to Cardiff City in a year. Wasn’t it also great to see all the Scotland flags flying proudly in the visitors corner of the Marakana Stadium in Serbia and all around Parkheid, fair brought a tear to my eye that these clubs are representing Scotland. Yes, yes..good for the co-efficient, I know, I know.  

30 Aug 2007                        MAMBO MUMBA MARKED BY SOL BAMBA?

 A Scottish team plays tonight at the Ullevi Stadium in Gothenburg, for any mutton molester this will bring back memories of that sodden night in 1983 when the mighty Dandies soundly pumped the minnows of Real Madrid. Tonight is Dung-fermline’s chance to turn on the style against a team currently 5th in the Swedish Second Division, the equally world famous BK Hacken. Forget Di Stefano and Gento, Hacken have in their team the man with the best name in world fitba, the Kenyan midfielder MAMBO MUMBA

31 Aug 2007                    INDECENT PUMPINGS AHOY

Senator Chewbacca pointed out today that Jimmy Calderwood is not going to be a happy man after his side was drawn to play Dnipro in the UEFA cup. How is he going to top up his tan, and what are the chances of him finding a sunbed in the Ukraine? He also runs the risk of racial abuse as the Ukraine fans are bound to assume he is the world’s fattest African.With the Currants drawing Barca, Lyon and Stuttgart in the Champions League and the Tattie Charmers getting AC Milan, Benfica and Shakhtar Senseless, it looks like there will be more mismatched, sickening humpings abroad than one of Gary Glitter’s holidays in Thailand.

1 SEPTEMBER 2007                       FLAG EXTENSION – A WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

Today TGPOTCTASC can exclusively reveal a dramatic flag extension programme has swung into place that will see the club flag grow by ONE THIRD before the Scotland match on saturday. A club insider said: ‘I can confirm that the flag is currently at Stitchmaster being worked on as we speak. The extension means the flag will now be 24 feet long and 10 feet wide. It’s all touch and go for saturday because a club representative is picking the re-vamped flag  up on Friday afternoon’. The news is bound to send shockwaves round the pirate, football and flag communities who were already bracing themselves for the flag’s senior debut at a packed Hampden Stadium. Speaking from his ship in the South China Seas, Captain Blackbeard said: ‘Oooh…arrr….shiver me feckin timbers….c’moan Scoatlan’.

2 SEPTEMBER 2007                       WINDAE PAIN Poor wee Stevie Naismith nearly got his balls caught in the transfer windae when it snapped shut at midnight on Friday. For weeks now the wee scamp has been apparently trying to clamber through the windae from Kilmarnock into Glasgow, but late on Friday night a disaster loomed as his shellsuit trousers got caught on the latch. It took a last second tug from David Murray, using one of Walter’s cardies as a rope around wee Stevie’s legs, to finally set him free. Wee Stevie’s problem was all the more complicated because of Kenny Miller being forced through the same windae but in the opposite direction. It was a real shame to look at the Glasgow side of the windae and see Scotland’s number one striker in tears. He sobbed ‘ah dinnae want tae go tae Derby, they’re keich’, as Gordon Strachan and Peter Lawwell forcefully tied his arms and legs together and sat him on the window sill, before shoving him through into the grateful arms of Billy ‘play wur triangles’ Davies.

3 SEPTEMBER           NO LONGER DIRE SHIRE, OUT OF THE MIRE, ON FIRE AND GETTING HIGHER

Strange things are going on at The Shire these days, and I’m not talking about Gandalf, Frodo or Lord of the Rings. The Third Division has a topsy-turvy look to it, with the men from the shadows of the Falkirk carpet superstore, a nose-bleedingly 2nd in the league. Their latest triumph came on Saturday away to Albion Rovers. According to Craig Brewster, things haven’t been this good for the Shire since they breenged Vale of Bannock 11-2 in 1888: ‘ I can remember the game like it was yesterday, the goals rained in like doodlebugs on Paisley High Street, it was only spoiled by that Brother Walfrid in the East End of Glasgow texting me to say he had a great idea for a fitba’ team’ he confirmed to TGPOTCTASC website. I don’t know if they do drugs tests on players or even hallucinating fans in the Scottish Third Division, but any more of this winning games malarkey and the 816 capacity of the Shire’s intimidating Firs Park coliseum will surely be tested to it’s very limits.  

5 SEPTEMBER                                  THE PLANS

According to a downmarket Old Firm obsessed tabloid, France manager Raymond Domenech says he is more scared of playing Scotland than he is Italy. Aye right, sure big man, I’m sure the thought of dealing with Gary Teale is putting the shyters right up you…….. Lay off the absinthe fella. And anyway, should you not be concentrating on driving Miss Penelope back to the Thunderbirds base to continue the neverending struggle against the Mysterons, or was that Captain Scarlet and where does Joe 90 (Pat Nevin?) fit into all of this?

It’s the usual plans for all the Senators on Saturday – Edinburgh branch meet in the Star Wars Bar at Waverley at 9am to try to secure a passage to the universe of Glasgow on the 9:30 train. Barclay Bandits / the Galaxy make their own way to Queen Street and then we’ll take a wee black bus or two to Armstrongs and hang about like jakeys until the doors open at 11am.

12 SEPTEMBER 2007                 BARMY BOSS BASHING BEWILDERMENT  

The last 24 hours have not been kind on ex-Aberdeen managers. Firstly, we hear that Ian Porterfield died at the too young age of 61 and then news comes out that Sir Alex of Fergie was attacked on the Tube in London. What next, Alex Smith gang-raped? Ebbe Skovdahl caught selling as well as taking drugs? Steve Paterson found drunk before a match? The list of suspects in the Fergie Attack must be pretty lengthy I would have thought: Kevin Keegan, Jaap Staam, Gordon Strachan, Wenger, Mourinho, Posh Spice, those Irish Racehorse owners, the McCanns all spring to mind. So much for Fergie being a Govan hard man then,  you obviously need more than a red nose and a ‘hairdryer’ when you are being attacked by a tanked up Mrs Beckham out of her tits on coke thats for sure. Hopefully this is not an omen for Le Crunch (copyright Daily Record) – McLeish has the obvious Aberdeen connections and has of course managed a team at Pittodrie against South Africa. Lets hope Smeato, Feed the Bear or the slightly scary Andy Watson  will be on hand to banjo anyone who tries to get near our freckly, balding, ginger super-sub selecting coach tonight.

~ by malkyboy on August 30, 2007.