Africa in a Campervan 2010 – a Senator Deek initiative

BANDS OF FANS, CLAPPING THEIR HANDS, DRINKING CANS IN VANS, MAKING PLANS, WHILST GOING OVER HOT SANDS IN FOREIGN LANDS, TOPPING UP TANS, SPENDING RANDS AND GETTING DRIVING BANS. 

As most of you will remember Semper Paratus is the motto of Grangemouth High, something about being prepared and all that. With this in mind I’ve decided to think a bit more seriously about the 2010 World Cup travel situation. You just canny drive across the world in a campervan and no’ think about it beforehand likes, so here are the provisional plans: We are hoping to get one of the Celebrity Throw in Takers to drive us from Grangemouth / Edinburgh to the ferry at Rosyth for a tickertape / fanfare departure (Mags Heaney’s agent has already pencilled in 1 October 2009 in the diary, whilst Mandy Tart is also checking her availability for the Edinburgh boys). There will be a press conference, a small farewell party and some abuse of Fife and Fifers (Senator Gaybee has diplomatic immunity) before we head off in the ferry. 

October 2009

Once on mainland Europe, we’ll get Senator Fraser Junior to kick us off with a drive through Holland, Germany and Switzerland stopping at the border with Italy. This will be a time to recheck our supplies of medicines (Marty), lager (Malky), maps (Andy), currency and passports / visas etc (Innes), Um Bongo (Grant), heroin and location of gay bars (Daren), Campervan tyres and water (Deek), Bacardi Breezers (Fraser Junior), Guinness (Fraser Senior). 

November 2009

Senator Fraser Senior will then take the strain driving us down ‘the boot’ to Reggio di Calabria where we will take the crossing to Messina in Sicily. It’s then a drive through Sicily to our departure point in Palermo. We have 8 weeks to drive to Palermo which should give us enough time for a bit of sight seeing, avoid a doing from the Mafia and a enjoy a few good nights out. 

It is worth noting that I’ve given us quite a comfortable schedule for Africa. This should take account of kidnappings, landmines, corrupt officials, wild animal attacks, ebola, famine, knife wounds, heatstroke, swamps, mirages, poison darts, hot wax spillages, STDs, punctures, hangovers, gunshot injuries, voodoo curses, paper cuts, sinking sands, cannibals, snakebites, paralysis, Acts of God, civil wars, kid soldiers, Acts of Allah, drownings, piranhas, etc. We’re hoping we’ll have more senators on board for 2010, but at the moment the driving through the Dark Continent will be carved up in the following way:

December 2009

Once arriving in Tunisia, Senator Malky takes us from the port of Tunis to the Sabha Oases in Libya. To be honest I want to get the driving out the way and don’t mind driving over the Festive Season, not that there will much swallying in Muslim North Africa. 

January 2010

Senator Gaybee will take the next leg. He can’t actually drive, so I thought giving him a good desert stretch would be the safest bet, he’ll also need to dry out after New Year (which provisionally we will spend somewhere on Mount Emi Koussi in Chad). The Gaybs will take us to the fertile looking Bodele Depression in Chad for Burns Night. 

February 2010

Senator Spag takes the reins in February, guiding the campervan down through Chad to just North of Bangui. Round about here, at least on a map, we’re half way through Africa, so we’ll have a party of some description. If any of the Senators have died en route, then we’ll say a quick prayer and eat them before they go foosty. 

March 2010

Senator Ferguson will then do the ‘Um Bongo’ leg, taking us out of the Central African Republic and through the Democratic Republic of Congo, where we’ll have a right good night out in Kinshasa over the Easter Weekend. Senator Spag’s map should be able to inform us if there is a decent hill in Kinshassa tae roll our eggs down.    

April 2010

Senator Marty will then guide the Campervan to somewhere just south of Huambo in Angola. No doubt dispensing some useful advice on medicines to the people of this impoverished nation along the way. 

May 2010

Senator Innes, if we can rouse him from his alcoholically induced coma, will then take the penultimate leg of the journey, taking us to Keetmanshoop in the south of Namibia. 

June 2010

Finally, Senator Deek will take us over the border and into South Africa and then into Cape Town (or wherever) in time for the Opening Ceremony. We’re expecting a large welcoming party of carjackers, rapists, corrupt soldiers and small children selling trinkets to greet us.

Return Journey (2010 – 2013)

Please note if Scotland win the world cup, we’ll drive back home again on the same route (we should be back in Grangemouth around March 2011, sometime after tea but before Eastenders).  Alternatively, if the shock happens and we don’t win the thing, we’ll revert to Plan B and sail home in a wee rowing boat from the Zetland Park boating pond which will be strapped to the roof (all being well, we’ll be having a pint in La Porte Precinct, Grangemouth, sometime in early February 2013. A quick wash and change and then we’ll have to be back on the rowing boat the next day for the trip to Brazil for World Cup 2014, Copacabannockburn!).

Senator Deek has a plan,

to buy his own campervan

We’ll fill it up wi’ square sausage rolls,

irn bru and delboy’s bowls

We’ll take some lager and stuff for men,

 and drive to the World Cup in 2010 ,

Dinnae’ worry it’s no that far,

just to the South of Africa,

But a trip like this needs preparations,

So here are the Senator’s deliberations:

We’ll be on safari, watching wee barry

Following deek to Mozambique

Watching the footy in Djibouti

We’ll be talking about Frank Haffey, when we’re meeting Colonel Gadaffi

We’ll be singing ‘Feed the World’ when the flag is being unfurled

We’ll be singing about Faddy, when we’re being tortured by Mugabe

Senator Spagetti in the Serengeti

Senator Broon in Cameroon

Getting a tan in Sudan

Wearing tartan tat on the road to Rabat

We’ll be having a steak bake in Sharm-el-shaik

the voice of doom in Khartoom

Following McLeish and the Bear to Eritrea

Singing doe-a-deers outside Algiers

Eating beans on toast in the Ivory Coast

and toast with spam in Dar es Salaam

Drinking irn bru in Timbuktu

in Nairobi to give them the boaby

Drinking um bongo in the congo

watching porn in the tropic of capricorn

emptying our balls at Victoria Falls

Getting ebola in Angola

Wearing pirate socks, watching the crocs

losing a stone in Sierra Leone

losing a nad in darkest Chad

In Tangiers for the beers

in a bar in Dakar

A big sesh in Marrakesh

a cold can in Durban

Having a swally in Mali

We’ll be asking ‘we are we’, as we’re driving through Malawi

Drinking pivo in Antananarivo

‘Vitimin T’ in Burundi

In a bar in Uganda

Drinking in style on the nile

Cheering on wee barry in the Kalahari

Having a beer in our safari gear

on the Becks wearing khaki keks

Having a tinny in Equatorial Guinea

We’ll be cheering on Scott Brown, heading for Cape Town

We’ll be selling the big issue, on the way to Mogadishu

We’ll be drawing our giro in Kilamanjaro

It’ll be oor ‘oor in Darfur

We’ll be eating a banana in Ghana

We’ll be going insane in Blomfontein

We’ll be looking for fanny in Kisangani

We’ll be getting right fou’ with Desmond Tu Tu

We’ll be smoking some blow in Guinea Bissou

We’ll be having a can in Aswan

We’ll be drinking tonic wines going over land mines