The Africa In A Campervan plan has now been cancelled. In other news Jamie and Innes have had babies. So it’s Klinkenpoops all round and well done to them.

ps. We should point out that Innes and Jamie are not a couple and have had babies with their own wife / partner,  it’s not Fife you know.

Younger readers may not realise, but back towards the start of the year 2009, the GPTA had a visit to Amsterdam. After a period of legal wrangling, photographs from this diplomatic mission to the Netherlands have now been released and are published today for the fist time. More pics have also been added to the Amsterdam Diary posting. Historians confirm these photographs were taken back in the days when Molly Sugden was still alive, Bungle was just called Gay Daz and wee Susan Boyle wasn’t even born!

Four senators were caught on television this weekend (well Falkirk tv) as an open top bus took the beaten finalists back to the Falkirk Stadium.

What happened next wasn’t caught on film.  One of the locals (pictured) from Firkins Bar asked the gentleman in the light blue Falkirk top for £1.  The gentleman then pretended he had received a phone call before leaving.

Can you remember Bertie’s Boys as Ian Crocker called them 2,852 times on Sky Sports?  Answers down the right hand side of the screen.

After the success of the Andy Hulett look-a-like competition won by Derek Wetter, the pirates recently ran a Derek “Deek” Davidson Doppelganger.  A big thank you to Gay Daz’s gaffer for presenting the trophy to Robert Grieve.  Also, after hearing what states Baize used to get into when he was a postie, the pirates are not surprised with this news. 

This web-site deals with only facts, so we’re not here to slag off McGregor and Ferguson.

Barry’s goal scoring ratio was 1:15 and is up there with many average midfielders that have played international football.  He also has played international football for eleven years averaging just over four caps a year (roughly Scotland play between 5 and 6 competitive matches a year).  Along with Ryan Giggs, Barry has the British record for pulling out of international friendly matches.  Barry made his international debut in September 1998 and Scotland haven’t qualified for a major tournament since the Summer of 1998.

Day One
Friday 27th March 2009

Originally Anne Frank was going to write this diary as well, but when the time came for her to jot down a few things, I couldn’t find her, I think she might have been hiding.

The Edinburgh contingent travelled through on the Airport Bus, during the journey Gay Daz received his tartan trousered gift and much time was spent admiring Senator Ferguson’s new kilt. The early seeds of the ‘Sky Rockets In Flight’ song were planted around Corstorphine.

For a change, the Pirates decided to meet at the bar at the Airport and soon the refunded money from the ‘Race to 58’ taxi fiasco was being put to good use buying liquids in jars. The group were relieved to see the ghostly presence of Senator Gav who had quite literally risen from his hospital sick bed to make the trip. He had a set of horse tranquillisers, ‘painkillers’ and other weird tablets the size of dinner plates, to keep him company on the flight. The flight passed uneventfully, many of the Senators spending most of their time standing in a queue to use the toilet.

After a short period of disorientation, the boys got out of Schiphol and into Amsterdam. Senator MacCallum immediately endeared himself to locals by asking ‘what part of Germany is this?’. Two policemen nudged us in the direction of the hotel. There is nothing like a 5 star luxurious hotel and this was nothing like a 5 star luxurious hotel. Forget the Kilimanjaro climb for Comic Relief, our trip to get to our rooms resulted in loss of oxygen and altitude sickness up some ridiculously steep stairs.

Despite Gay Daz not booking the rooms, there were 8 beds for 9 of us. A flea ridden jobby-stained mattress, measuring 4mm in thickness, was quickly ordered for Senator MacCallum and the group headed out into the town.

As Senator Broonaldo does not like curries, the boys decided to go for a curry and soon the delights of Heineken were being sampled at a furious pace. There then followed a pub-crawl around the town, which included….

some homosexual arm-wrestling, a meeting with Grantanamo’s Duddingston teammates, a spot of window-shopping and some criss crossing of a canal.

Day Two
Saturday 28th March 2009
Derek Wetter Day / Match Day

After heading out for breakfast, the boys met up at a large cellar bar near Dam square. They were cutting it tight, as there was only 8 hours of drinking time before kick off. Much to the delight of the group, Senator Innes produced some ‘Pirate Activity Kits’ and soon the lads around the table had the scissors and glue out to make some lovely garments for the day. The fact that today was Derek Wetter Day made things even better.

Match day and the first disaster of the holiday. Despite many attempts, Senator Gav was refused permission to pick up his ticket from the SFA ticket booth. Apparently because he wasn’t called Jennifer Sherrington he wasn’t getting in.

After a steep climb / elevator, the Senators were scattered around the Scotland end in the cavernous Amsterdam ArenA (apart from Senators Broonaldo and Hambleton Loch who were in the posh seats). The match kicked off and we were doing ok for a bit before some schloppy defending meant were were 2-0 down as the ref hooted his half time mouth horn. The second half was a bit bland and the Dirk Kuyt penalty sealed things up for the Dutch. On the way home Senator MacCallum led a small diversion to have a pee behind a hedge beside a canal.

The fans mingled on the train home, the Scots fans were of course more mingled than others, and the talk was of the great Dutch players to have played in Scotland. A quick poll resulted in Falkirk’s central defender Hertz Van Rental to be the best ever.

Senator MacCallum soiled his reputation by going virtually straight home, as did Senator Spag who has never been noted for his legendary 2nd night on holiday stamina. The other lads went back to the cellar bar and discussed some finer points on Dutch renaissance art and the forthcoming G20 summit in London, or maybe they just got plummed on the Heineken.

Day 3
Sunday 29th March 2009
Senator Inez’s Birthday

The boys split into the culture and sport camps today. Senators Gav, Grantanamo, Broonaldo, Hambleton Loch went to museums, on pedalos in canals, sampled local produce, whilst Senators MacCallum, Innes, Spag, Gay Daz and Spag went to sample a football match: AGOVV Applejuice v Go Ahead Eagles.

The match was played in a cute wee stadium in a forest. The artificial pitch was heavily watered and was flanked by cherub-cheeked ball boys with marvellously full heads of hair. The kilts attracted some attention from the locals, but the main attraction was kneecap shaped lumps of miscellaneous meats that were served on rolls to the fans. In the end the Birds of Prey won 5-1 in an entertaining match.

By this time Senator Innes had well and truly lost his phone. As it was one of the very early mobile phones, dating from 1987, it was understandable he was quite upset at losing this, he was all set to donate it to the Dutch mobile phone museum in Klinkenpoop.

The train journeys home allowed the boys to sample the first beery delights of the day, a quick stop off at the hovel, I mean hotel and then it was out again into the bars for more local culture. By this time Senators Innes and Gav were off to Utrecht for a gig, so the rest of the boys got tucked into swally and then headed towards the Leidesplein for some food. An unfortunate incident occurred in the restaurant when Gay Daz asked the perfectly nice waitress if she had meatballs, no need for that.

After some swally and comedy photographs at the adjacent bar, the boys ended up at some deserted nightclub where there was some shameful behaviour with floral garlands, sunglasses, invisiball (trademark Race to 58) table tennis, naked dancing (step forward the birthday boy Senator Innes). The night ended with some more drinking in another establishment and the meeting of the very large and tough Scottish football casual. At bedtime the clock said 7am. (sensibly Senator Innes called it a night at 6).

DAY 4
Monday 30th May 2009

Our flight wasn’t until late at night, so some of us (well Senator MacCallum) seized the chance to get special drunk. Throughout the day tournaments of pool and darts took place and some souvenirs were bought. You can only imagine the delight on Senator Gav’s face when he found out he was sitting beside Senators MacCallum and Gay Daz on the way home. I’ve never seen anyone put an ipod on quicker after take-off.

When we eventually landed into Edinburgh, three people on the plane clapped (they thought they were at Prestwick). The Wright Brothers flew a plane in 1909 and since then we’ve become quite good at it (admittedly there have been a few high profile exceptions), so we should really be beyond clapping on landings. Senator MacCallum delivered a small lecture on this as we taxied along the runway. Bruno Aguiar from Hearts was not thought to be one of those who clapped.

The Edinburgh contingent searched for bottles of Klinkenpoop beer in the town, got the now honking flag out, and generally carried on the carnage and misbehaviour until it was time to go home.

More details to follow when they can be fished from our collective memories.

I heard that the Grangemouth Pirates have arrived on shore so decided to hide, especially as I didn’t want pestered by the new official (moving from friend of status) pirate Broonaldo.  My friends tell me that 15,000 people have seen my maw in a windae.

28^th March 2009

Thought about putting my coupon on, but just decided to hide.  My friends tell me they see a massive pirates flag just next to the Gay Armwrestling Bar.  However I was hiding.

29^th March 2009

As it was the Sabbath, I hid.  Especially as my friends were going to the Paradiso Club, though I could have easily have hid there.

30^th March 2009

I realised that I was running out of Klinkinpoop, so thought about going down to Haddows.  However decided to hide instead with the second best collection of leather bound books that the Netherlands has ever seen.

Senators Broonaldo, Deek, Malc, Gay Daz, Derek Wetter, Gav, Guinness, Hambleton Loch (I wish you were whisky) and Grantanamo Bay will all be heading to Amsterdam this Friday. Unlike the Scotland squad we’re all fit (within reason) and up for the challenge of 4 days of swally and tartan based buffoonery in the Venice of the North. As well as going to the match, over the weekend the Pirates will be celebrating Andy Day / Derek Wetter Day (see picture above) and Senator Innes’s birthday. The last word on the subject goes to Horace in his Epistles, I.xi.27: ‘Coelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt’ [‘They who hurry across the sea change their surroundings, not their souls’].

A full, but probably heavily edited, report on the shenanigans will appear on this website.

Other news:

The Galacticos of Grangemouth Galaxy powered to victory over Barclay Bandits to win the inflatable European Cup.

For the Iceland game on Wednesday we’ll be having a drink before the match

Ticket mania has hit Scotland this week: the official supporters ballot has taken place, the chat rooms have been swamped with people looking for precious ‘match briefs’ but it is official, the Grangemouth Galaxy v Barclay Bandits re-match on Saturday 14 March is now sold out. Behind the scenes preparations for the match are in full swing, Senator Innes only stopped briefly from his training camp to pose for a photo indicating his belief he will score a hat-trick. Senator Gay Daz, at the same time, appears to be soiling his shorts (again).

Senator MacCallum would like to announce that since the Willo Flood gags have now apparently dried up, he is willing to re-start writing entries into this critically esteemed website.

Also, Calvin Harris will no longer be taking the throws for QOS, he’s  a Killie fan apparently.

And finally, we’re all going to Amsterdam in 4 weeks for a smoke and a pancake.

Senators Gay Daz and the Spagster were pure delighted to welcome Russell Latapy and his celebrity neeber Dwight Yorke into the pirates family last Saturday. The rummed up Trinadadionians and Tabogonians were simply mega chuffed to cosy up to two of our finest Senators in a Falkirk hostelry. They were also gushing in their praise of the GTPA and their swallymungus beliefs. This photo was taken after ‘Russell Latapy Day’ at Falkirk Stadium, the teams celebrated the silky skills of the wee man with a uproariously bad exhibition of pure crap SPL fitba. It is thought that due to meeting the Senators, Dwighty was instantly promoted to c0-caretaker manager of Sunderland. 

P.S. as soon as Hearts of Midlithuania finally go to the wall, we will repost the picture of Vlad with eyepatch without fear of being Litvinenko’d (with apologies to Senator Grantanamo Bay and The Gav)

The Scotland v Argentina game was always going to be a match that was overshadowed by one very controversial manager, and so it proved when Senator Innes, boss of the Barclay Bandits (2008), sensationally introduced not only a pair of pirate teeth but also a pirate telescope to the crowd at Hampden Park.  Sadly, these new accessories could not inspire Scotland to defeat the Argie Bargieonians.

The 1-0 defeat for Scotland means they haven’t won a friendly match at home since the battle of Necthansmere in 685. But it wasn’t all bad news, as a new Senator from Argentina, Senator Matias was inducted into the club in a moving pre match ceremony in Armstrongs Bar. In other naming news Senator Hammie will now be known as Hambleton Loch and The Baize will now be the Maze (joining Malcatraz, Darlinnie and Grantanamo Bay in our hilarious list of amusing prison themed titles)

Oh aye before I forget, apparently at the 1986 World Cup, Argentina’s manager, Derek Madonna scored a goal with his hand against England. We only know this because it was mentioned once in a newspaper in the build up to Wednesday’s game.

The GPTA would like to take this opportunity to distance themselves from the bad behaviour of our Somali pirate neebers who appear to be attacking all sorts of sea going vessels off the coast of Yemen. We’d like to make it clear that while we are not angels in the water department, we’ve not put them up to this and it’s got nothing to do with the ‘Africa in a Campervan’ fundraising campaign. Having said that, it has to be admitted that over the years individual Senators have disgraced themselves in a variety of water based environments.

The Zetland Park boating pond, the Wave Machine in the Mariner Centre, the waterslides at Alloa Baths, drunken jumping of The Burn, Senator Dung Beetles controversial eviction from the ‘big’ pool at Grangemouth Sports Complex (not to mention Senator Malc and his Montrose cousins lewd behaviour with ladies and goggles at the same venue) have all soiled our reputation. Most recently, the notorious early morning ‘pedalo incident’, Senator Innes’s unseemly belly flopping, Senator Malc’s dubious grip of Spanish law and Teenwolfs hair related water acrobatics in Palma Nova have further contributed to our undignified record of aquatic shame.

Senator Broonaldo ‘Dung Beetle’ (aka Tennants Superman) provided most of the entertainment on the latest Pirates adventure, this time to Milan. After being manhandled by the excitable EasyJet cabin crew boys, he was ecstatic to discover that his favourite ‘Tennants Super’ refreshment was widely available in Italy. As you may expect, there then followed a rolling programme of ballbaggery, pizzas and peroni. The weekend culminated in us no’ getting any tickets for the AC Milan v Napoli game, but we were honoured to see the spot where Senator Innes relieved himself in a bag of crisps on the way to the San Siro last time Scotland played there.

Saturday saw Senator Gaybee celebrate his 35th year, and he was given a very very small kilt to mark the occasion. In other Milanese news, Senator Delboy had ‘pies on rolls’ withdrawals which were not helped when Senator Malc made a series of bedtime passes at him on Sunday night. Sadly, on the last night the boys were evicted from their hotel when Tennants Superman stood on his dug, threw it through a windae and was then sick on himself.

Phoaties to follow when I work out how tae get the blighters oot ma mobile.

Roll on the Argies in a couple of weeks……altogether now……’YOU PUT YOUR LEFT HAND IN….’

p.s. Congratulations to Senator Obama, although we’re not really sure why he’s called ‘Senator’ cos he’s certainly no’ been tae a Scotland game wi’ us.

Put the Um Bongo back in the fridge, pack away the poison darts and return the Ebola vaccines, because it looks like the wheels have come off Deek’s Africa In A Campervan campaign.

On Saturday, our collection of bawbags and bletherin’ bombscares made our wavy way to Hampden to watch Burley’s Battalion of Blue harpoon the Whale Pumpers. Sadly, it didn’t quite work out that way and all we could manage was a nil-nil draw.

Despite Network Rail and the polis doing their best to throw a spanner in our binge-drinking works, we all managed to get fair to middlin’ plummed by 3 o’clock. We were so near the front of the West Stand we could actually hear ‘Miss’ Iwelumo let out a panicky fart seconds before his shot from 12 midgies-bawhairs away zipped past the post.

Other news:

Senators Second Single: At half time we were proud to record our 2nd single for Weegies In Need. Apparently it only takes £5 to buy an entire Ellesse trackie at the Barras, and a mere £3 can keep a family going in Farmfoods Cola for a week. Please note that any money raised in Croy will stay in Croy.

Celeb Throws: Two vacancies have arisen this week. Apparently Cicero is a Jambo, so he won’t be taking any Livvy throws. Also, Kofi Annan is going to be out of the country so much, there’s no way he’s going to be taking throws for Annan. 

Eyepatch: Worryingly, the club eyepatch is now missing; we think it may have been eaten by Michelle McManus. The knock on effect is that we were unable to officially induct our new Senators: Dougie, Donald and the Oban Massive.

Photo Archive: Senator Spag has uncovered a couple of snapshots (see below) of the post Macedonia game wake in Edinburgh. Some of the Senators found themselves in Mad Dogs, a gin palace of dubious worth, but their evening was brightened up considerably when they met Archie Gemmill and Brian May. As you can see Senator Ferguson is happier that a Proctor in the ‘Sneckie.

Guest writer: Senator Pythagoras Cockshovel II

John Smeaton’s place as Scotland’s leading ‘have a go hero’ is in jeopardy after Senator MacCallum’s recent act of selfless bravery. Malky, or Big Malk as he’s known, came to the rescue of an Edinburgh city do-gooder when he fought off her voilent knife weilding attacker. Malky had this to say:

“Ah jist didnae ken whit wiz happenin like. This in-bred bawbag was upsetin a wuman so a thoat ah’d help hur oot. It aww kindae slowed right doon and the nixt thing, ma Samba’s were flyin throo the air tiwards the boy’s gonads. Ah’m nae hero, anyone else woulda dun the same.”   

We fully expect Big Malk to be awarded the Queens Gallantry Medal – which will be the second such award handed out to our Pirate themed supporters club (in August 2006, Senator Decisive received the same medal for his contributions to the Peoples’ Republic of Croy peace talks).

The question of whether the Pirates will take up crimefighting vigilantism in addition to our existing Scotland football supporting activities will be discussed at the next AGM.

You may have thought the biggest boob you could find in Iceland would belong to Kerry Katona, but now her position has been taken over by Scotland’s basketballer of the year (please see his goal against Falkirk for his earlier work) Stephen McManus. Still, his handball that gave away the penalty didn’t cost us too badly in the end. Unbelievably a Dick Clubfoot goal and a fluffed Faddy pen / rebound gave us that vital 2-1 win to take us into the next game against Iceland’s fellow whale walloping pals Norway.

We will end this report with the very latest photo of Gay Daz, sporting his evening hat. Just check out the preditory chap behind him who obviously fancies the cut of his gib.

Various groups of Senators watched in horror as Scotland got off to a keich start in their 2010 World Cup qualifying campaign with a 1-0 defeat against Macedonia in Skopje. In the esteemed words of Senator Spag: ‘Scotland are dump’. If we don’t beat the Icemen on Wednesday there’s a fair chance Deek’s Africa in a Campervan campaign will be off the road quicker than you can say ‘pie on a roll’.

Better news from the Under 21s though as they pumped Slovenia 3-1 at our ancestral home of Falkirk Stadium. If Gay Daz’s shorts can withstand the pressure, a wee Pirate expedition back to Sweden for the U21 Finals could be in the offing. The U21s match was watched by small band of Senators, with Senator Fraser Junior holding a recruitment evening for the Pirate Youths (see Meet the Pirates)