We were greatly saddened to hear of the passing of Kenny Stirling, also known as ‘The Auld Yin’. Kenny was the official mascot of the pirates and his catchphrases of ‘get tae ****’ and ‘bring us back a victory boays’ were often overheard at various times in Armstrongs Bar, Glasgow from 11.01am-2.47pm on Saturday home matchdays and 2pm-7.48pm on midweek matchdays. We first met King Kenny when we sat at the table closest to the bar; it turned out we were sitting in his seat and he told us to ‘get tae ****’. As a peace offering he was presented with an inflatable sheep, and he told us to ‘get tae ****’ again. After these early misunderstandings, our relationship with him greatly improved over the years and he was happy to let us sit at his table for future games, but no-one ever sat in his seat again. You can see a plaque beside his seat where he used to nurse his pint and watch the games. We hope no-one is sitting on your bit of the cloud Auld Yin.

The highlight of this showpiece summer event saw a bronzed Bungle wow the celebrity crowd with a display of semi nude cooking; he followed this up with some controversial ‘placed sausage’ antics. Previous barbeques have been marred by a series of unfortunate incidents, most notably when the host only managed to produce 6 rolls for the guests. One insider said: ‘The rolls issue is in the past, however there was a moment when the bog-rolls supply was looking critical, but a crisis was averted’. The ‘sausage in the speedos’ episode was said to have caused gasps of surprise from up and down the Scheme as neighbours, already delighted by the variety of 1980s pop music belting out from the conservatory, frantically jostled for the best position to view what has already become a classic episode of meat-themed humour.

The Chunder Chariot left Edinburgh at 12 midnight and some of us starting drinking cider and ribena. A mere 9 1/2 hours later the Vomit Comet rolled into London. The boys went straight to the pub and met Donaldinho and the Devil. Innes left the pub to meet some pals and have a jobby. Bungle got his face painted and blew a kazoo. The boys went to the Emirates, to see the Yellow Cowdenbeath’s fluke a 2-0 win. The boys got back on the bus and a mere 9 1/2 hours later they were back in Edinburgh. The time was passed playing the Race Race and talking about Jimmy Jobby-Jackson.

The second picture also involves us at Hampden and is also on the SFA website, this time Spag is not as animated. Can you Spot Unhappy Spag?

To be sure. I’m Nick O’Teen, a close friend of Gay Daz, the hairiest Pirate in the world. Holy Mary Mother of God, the boys have landed safely on the Emerald Isle, and I’m delighted to be giving you these updates that have been Potato-Wikileaked to me:

Night 1:

Andy sick on the dancefloor. Gay Daz wears novelty irish hat. Little Innes makes an appearance. Andy shows a policeman his c&ck. Innes applies cream to his ‘chaffing’. Andy rips it a new one on 1st night.

Quote of the Day: Master Innes: ‘I’ve hurt my back doing a sh1t’

Night 2:

Deek and Andy retire to hotel at 9.30. Met the Devil. Grant and Innes rip it a new one. Gay Daz goes missing. Gay Daz gets lost. Gay Daz goes AWOL. Gay Daz causes a ‘disturbance’ in the hotel lobby at 5am.

Stay tuned for more updates as I get them….to be sure……

Sources close to the Irn Bru Tang Clan have told us that Celtic Football Club have started a campaign to have ‘Bungle-friendly’ STV weatherman Sean Batty suspended from his role on the telly. An insider at Walkers Crisps (made from only the finest quality potatoes) said: ‘It’s quite obvious that this is a campaign to undermine Neil Lennon’s regime at Parkhead. We know Aberdeen are a stick-on three points for the Hoops, and all this nonsence about there being snow is just a cover up. There’s only sunshine in Paradise. We think the game should have gone ahead’.

Despite the country being covered in a six foot blanket of snow, Celtic hingamy John Reid issued a statement calling for Mr Batty’s suspension and even went as far as to suggest Michael Fish, despite retiring some years ago, should be executed.

Peter Sloss was not available for comment.

 Following our most recent trip to Germany the BTFJ index is now up three points.

 GPTA would like to make clear that we have no links at all to the Sellotape For Marmalade group.

Some Blu-Tac

Some Jam

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

Congratulations to Senator Jamie Winehouse who got hitched to Margaret this summer in a glittering ceremony at the Three Kings. Many pirates attended the Stag Do in Sunderland and the wedding in Falkirk. On the day most of us were well behaved, apart from Senator Ferguson who kept dipping under the table every 10 minutes to have a mighty sook out of his hipflask.

In other relationship news, congratulations are also due to Senator Bungle, he was recently snapped out on the town enjoying a ‘sausage tea’ with what my sources have described as a ‘close friend’. This sparked rumours around Edinburgh that Bungle was now off the market and engaged to be married to his fellow reveller. A minutes silence was held in CC Blooms.

Day 1 Friday                                      

S.Africa 1 – Mexico 1                     

Uruguay 0 – France 0

Following a Thursday night de-brief from the Captain in a Grangemouth tavern, the crew spent their last night on Scottish soil before departing on their iron ships down the tarmac ways to the dark lands of England. An early start allowed the crew to speed their way South, with the good Captain Seabiscuit only stopping to punch his satnav in the face a few times. Upon arriving at the mustard lands of Norwich a mere 9 hours later, the men quickly decamped to a bar to begin the binge drinking.  The Captain was asked to leave many a premises because of his ‘unseemly behaviour’ with the locals.  The Fitba was quite dull.

Day 2 Saturday                               

 S.Korea 2 – Greece 0                     

Argentina 1 – Nigeria 0                

England 1 – USA 1

 The crew picked up First Mate ‘Hank’ Ferguson who had arrived in the mustard lands from London town.  A dartboard and a mustard beer mat, essential for any boating holiday, was purchased and a small prayer was made at Norwich Cathedral.  Upon arriving in Stalham the initial reaction from the crew was one of disappointment, as there were no men with wooden legs or parrots to be seen, and there were no hooks for hands in evidence either. The crew were made to hand over a deposit and were given a few instructions on how not to drown. The men were then given a map and a bible each and equipped with their underwater flotation devices were pointed in the direction of the good ship San Juan. The men were then given a short instruction on how to operate the vessel. This involved clattering into two boats and also a first view of the local wildlife – in this case a couple of cockwarblers. Captain Seabiscuit proved himself to be a master and commander of the vessel in the test run.

The queen of the seas was a sturdy vessel boasting a ‘black AND white TV’, a couple of cludgies that could double up as luxurious showering facilities. The crew wasted no time in arranging their berths. At the bow of the ship, the First Mate enjoyed a palatial cabin with state of the art shelving, ample storage, a sea view and a variety of Egyptian cotton bedding, Molton Brown soaps and Old Spices. To his right was the cabin boy Bungle, who lived in a little wooden cage opposite the Captain’s Cludgie. The captain himself had a luxurious berth in the cockpit where he could practise the ‘Captain’s Privilege’ till he ached all over. The rest of the crew were under strict instructions to knock before entering the captain’s bunk, in case he was disturbed when he was ‘examining his nautical charts’. Strangely when entering the cabin, no maps could be seen, only biscuit crumbs.

The lower orders, namely the crew and the ship moth were quartered in the stern cabin a dark, unforgiving, soul-crushing, place. Crew Member Sp10 had the best of the lower orders accommodation, a small room complete with window and storage space where he could sit budda like regarding the proceedings of the ship. Crew Member De09, a man whose snoring abilities would become the talk of the Seven Seas was stationed on the Starboard side of the ship, this left Crew Member Ma08 on the port-side berth, a hardened ledge of 14mm in width. The ship moth seemed happy to buzz about the TV.

In order to improve morale, Captain Seabiscuit ordered a land raid on a nearby supermarket for bounty. The Crew came back laden with crates of beer, meaty edibles and bog roll. Within a matter of minutes the San Juan left the dock, crowds of midgies waved them off as they set sail for Great Yarmouth. The commencement of the voyage was marked by the drinking of many bottles of beer and listening to the First Mate’s nautical mix-tape.

Upon arriving in Horning, the men moored successfully and fought off some enemy ducks. Alas, they happened across the only settled part of England that did not boast the attraction of television. Neither the Swan Inn nor the New Inn could provide a tv! The crew split, with some of the men watching England – USA on the San Juan and others indulging in large pub meals.

Day 3     Sabbath              

 Algeria 0 – Slovenia 1                   

 Serbia 0 – Ghana 1                         

Germany 4 – Australia 0

Upon mooring today, the crew set up their outdoor dartboard and began playing with a young Englishman with a full head of come to bed hair. There was major scene in the bar when First Mate Ferguson tried to put on the Germany game and an annoyed land-lubber shouted ‘some of us are trying to watch Countryfile’.  Many beers flowed and the First Mate and Crew Member  Ma08 soon  found themselves behind the bar negotiating a lock in.

 Day 4     Monday             

 Holland 2 – Denmark 0                

 Japan 1 – Cameroon 0                   

Italy 1 – Paraguay 1

 Today the crew put on their land legs and set off to find a pub across many fields and forests. The crew were dressed as Japottish people (Japanese – Scots), while Bungle the Cabin Boy looked resplendent in his new Cameroon shirt. The Men of the Waves eventually found a bar and watched the mighty Nippon crush the Cameroonies 1-0.  On the way back the men stopped off at a bar with a large parrot in it and a 6 year old Columbian barboy called Philippe.

 Day 5     Tuesday                             

New Zealand 1 – Slovakia 1        

Ivory Coast 0 – Portugal 0            

 Brazil 2 – N.Korea 1

 Crew Member Ma08 was confined to the sick bay with an acute case of alcohol poisoning.  The fit members of the crew went to watch the most boring game in the world cup so far – Ivory Coast 0 – Portugal 0 and play some pool. During the morning Crew Member De09 suffered the first and last major injury of the voyage – a skinned leg suffered when helping to moor the vessel. In the evening there was some street football and world cup classic moments performed as Crew Member Sp10 cremated some sausages on a hastily set up barbeque.  Bungle the Cabin Boy’s ‘Scorpion’ kick re-enactment was a truly special moment, as was the Captain’s ‘special’ back-bum penalty save whilst wearing his working jacket.

 Day 6     Wednesday                 

Honduras 0 – Chile 1                     

 Spain 0 – Switzerland  1               

 South Africa 0 – Uruguay 3

In the morning the Captain announced to the crew that today was the day they were getting the ‘sh*te sooked ooty us’. The two cludgies were now filling up dangerously.

The crew landed at a nice pub and used the opportunity to charge up their electrical accoutrements whilst watching the biggest upset of the tournament so far: Switzerland 1 – Spain 0. The varied afternoon involved crazy golf, mini-karting, air hockey and a failed attempt at a team photo. Crew Member Ma08 was inked and later showed off the artwork to the shocked bar.

 Day 7     Thursday                  

 Argentina 4 – S Korea 1                

 Greece 2 – Nigeria 1                      

France 0 – Mexico 2

 The Captain and Crew Member De09 made their way to a motor museum, while the rest of the crew headed into the bright lights of Great Yarmouth on shore leave. It was a grotty, faded and deserted port of little note. The men found a small tavern to play darts and watch Argentina dismantle South Korea. The Captain and Crew Member De09 finally arrived after walking into town and made their way to a museum of fish! Bless my barnacles, I didn’t know a tuna could swim at 50mph (presumably that’s when out of the tin). The crew then made their way for a curry and then walked the deserted streets looking for a pub with people in it instead they found two dead seagulls in an alley. While trying to watch Mexico pump the French, Bungle the Cabin Boy was delighted to meet a ‘Yaz-a-like’.

 Day 8     Friday   

 Germany 0 – Serbia 1                    

 Slovenia 2 – USA 2                         

England 0 – Algeria 0

The crew awoke to hear the news that the little shop beside the boat mooring had been broken into. All that was left was some strands of bear hair on the smashed window. All the cigarettes, lighters and tanning products were stolen. The cabin boy Bungle was missing for most of the morning. Must have been a coincidence. After the crew made several visits to the ‘land cludgie’ following their curry, the San Juan set sail to a small Benedictine monastery, thus satisfying Crew Member De09’s love of 12^th century religious ruins. A few wrong turns and the crew made it to their lunch stop. A small walk and a few pints later, they wavered their way back to the San Juan. The First Mate blemished his otherwise impeccable sailing record with a turbo charged take off leaving the mooring in a tangle of ropes and smashed boats.

 The men then came to a bar in Stalham to watch the England game. The 0-0  game was immensely enjoyed by the visitors. The night ended in some chaos with Crew Member Sp10 wanting to sing Wet Wet Wet’s classic ‘Angel Eyes’ on karaoke. Thankfully that didn’t happen and Bungle the cabin boy wowed his snaggle-toothed, heavily tattoed audience with a deeply moving rendition of Dignity by Deacon Blue.

CD Description

Billed as the first ever choral boy band, The Choirboys – Ben, Patrick and G.D. – were plucked from obscurity at auditions that took place at Chester cathedral. This, their debut album, sees the boys performing choral standards and pop and rock classics while backed by the English C***hamber Ensemble.

Track listing

1. The Wheels On The Night Bus Go Round and Round

2. Wig Yam Bam

3. Smoke (Natalie Imbruglia cover)

4. Sunshine On Leith

5. I Will Survive

6. Jump In My Car (Unless It’s Deek’s)

7. Smalltown Boy

8. Swing low, sweet chariot

9. Enola Gay

10. Glory Glory To The Gaybees

Speculation is growing today that George Burley was sacked, not for the poop-filled 3-0 defeat to Wales, but due to his continual omission of our very own Bungle from his Scotland squads.

This website understands that the first task of the new Scotland manager will be to try to entice Bungle to pledge his allegiance to the Scottish cause. The hirsute shot-stopper (formerly known as Gay Daz and a selection of other names) recently revealed that under the ‘Five Year School Ruling’, he is also eligible to play for England and is already eyeing up a place in Fabio Capello’s World Cup squad for next year. Many pundits assumed Bungle won his only Scotland cap in the 9-3 defeat by England in 1961, but apparently this was not the case.

Speaking from a phonebox beside a field in East Lothian at 4:30am one Sunday morning, Bungle recently told us: ‘Malky, is that you? Where am I? I fell asleep on the nightbus again, is it left or right at Haddington? Who’s going to feed the cats?’

I also understand that both the managers of Grangemouth Galaxy and the Barclay Bandits have ruled themselves out of the running for the Scotland job, preferring instead to concentrate on the day to day glamour of managing their respective clubs.

The Africa In A Campervan plan has now been cancelled. In other news Jamie and Innes have had babies. So it’s Klinkenpoops all round and well done to them.

ps. We should point out that Innes and Jamie are not a couple and have had babies with their own wife / partner,  it’s not Fife you know.

What happened next wasn’t caught on film.  One of the locals (pictured) from Firkins Bar asked the gentleman in the light blue Falkirk top for £1.  The gentleman then pretended he had received a phone call before leaving.