We, the Grangmouth Pirates of the Caribbean Tartan Army Supporters Club, are a socialist independent collective of Scotland supporters who follow the Scottish national football team.

Despite our established democratic constitution and our belief in the one transferrable vote system, it would be foolish to deny the existence of our rather extreme political agenda, which is to re-organise firstly Scottish and then world boundaries as part of a New Scottish Empire.

We accept that any re-ordering of ancient nation states cannot be achieved overnight, so at the recent Foggie Flower Show we launched our 10 year plan. We aim, by 2017, to have reclaimed the town of Berwick, the Isle of Man and the Faroe Islands.

In the words of Andy Cameron’s 1982 World Cup epic song: ‘Scotland For Me’: ‘we will reform Scotland’s army, if that’s not too much to ask, we’ll be on the road with the highway code, a piece box and a flask’. This more or less sums up the military strategy. 

The decision to lauch a full scale aggressive military campaign on our nearest neighbours was not one we arrived at lightly or indeed soberly. For the past day or so, we have tried peaceful means and negotiations through the United Nations. Unfortunately, we did not feel we were being taken particularly seriously, and now believe an aggressive border expansion policy is the only course of action. Our longer-term project (15 years) includes taking most of English sovereign soil, re-establishing our colony of Darien on the Panamanian Isthmus, a crusade to the Middle East and (depending on funds) a moon base.

And the last word goes to Bill Barclay, who in 1978 recorded the much maligned and often forgotten classic ‘Hot pies for us Argentina’. Well done Bill.


Sen Spag and Sen Fraser Junior: Ministers of Propoganda in the NSE

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