Celebrity Throw In Takers – a Senator Innes initiative

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Senator Innes has had an idea for some time now to liven up Scottish, and maybe even World, Fitba. It’s breathtakingly simple, but of great genius: introduce celebrities to take all the throw ins at Scottish games. Each club will soon be asked to nominate a famous fan to take the throw ins for one season, presumably these throwers will be registered with the SFA. We were going to write to Gordon Smith about this, but we think the idea is so good, we’re going to go straight to Platini or Blatter. If the other Senators agree, I am happy to write the letter and we can all sign it.

 FIFA: S.Blatter, President, FIFA House, PO Box 85, 8030, Zurich, Switzerland

UEFA: M.Platini, Chief Executive, Route de Geneve 46, CH-1260, Nyon 2, Switzerland

 We proposed that a list of players be registered in Scotland in time for the 2008-9 season. All being well with the experiment, we can expect to see the likes of Jimmy Krankie, Gordon Brown (for England), Seve Ballasteros, Michael Schumacher, Tom Cruise and Tin Tin taking the throw ins at the 2010 World Cup.

REGISTERED THROW-IN TAKERS 2008-9

ABERDEEN: The boy who used to be in Runrig (Donnie Munro) is an outside bet, as is James Naughtie from Radio 4, Richard Gordon from Sportsound and Paul Lawrie the golfer. Not a lot of inspiration there, the Dons may have to make a new signing: Sean the Sheep or one of the original Shamen line up?

AIRDRIE: Since Adolf Hitler is dead, the obese pie-munching bawbag Jim Traynor will have to do.

ALBION ROVERS: Some wee Coatbridge ned in a Celtic top who would probably steal or stab the ball, or alternatively we could maybe entice one of the monks from Buckfast Abbey?

ALLOA: I can only think of Hagar the Horrible from the Skol adverts.

ARBROATH: Maybe someone dressed up as a smokie, or one of the signatories on the Declaration of Arbroath, I’d plump for Duncan, Earl of Fife.

AYR UNITED: Robert Burns, although if he found a spare patch of grass at Somerset Park he’d open a bottle of wine, get a bonnie lassie up the duff under the shade of the corner flag and then scribble a poem about it all. Rabbie….the throw in???

BERWICK RANGERS: A celebrity morris dancer (for one season, see New Scottish Empire)

BRECHIN CITY: The boy that cuts the hedge at Glebe park? He knows the touchline well.

CELTIC: A real tough one this. Rod Stewart lives in LA and is a bit of fairweather fan, Paulo Nutini and the Fratellis are on tour too much, Jim Kerr has lost his relevance for the young fans of today. Dario Franchetti is too busy crashing cars, George Galloway is too political, John Higgins not exciting enough. Billy Connelly is a wee bit too familiar. Bearing in mind it is the East End of Glasgow we are talking about, the only guy who could handle the drugs and guns whilst taking his throws would be Snoop Dogg.

CLYDE: Doogily Donnelly of course, he could sit on one of his remarkably well priced three-seater sofas from Sterling and wait for the ball to roll out of play. His gently coiffoured hair and twinkling eyes would be a sure fire hit with the ladies.

COWDENBEATH: Any member of the fictional ‘Cowden Family’ (they’re dirty and they’re smelly, the come from near Lochgelly, they huvnae got a telly…)

DUMBARTON: Jeezo…no idea….Mother Theresa? Gandhi?

DUNDEE: Cannigia or Ravenelli, did they really play for Dundee? What team does Oor Wullie support – he looks a bit like a pikey, and what about Plug, he looks like a Dundee man through and through.

DUNDEE UTD: Apparently Geoffrey from Rainbow was a Dundee United fan, but its got to be Lorraine Kelly, in fact she could play in central midfield for them, and then there’s the boy from Deacon Blue….if you think you’ve got any ‘Dignity’ supporting this mob you’ve another thing coming sir.

DUNFERMLINE: Stuart Adamson from Big Country, admittedly no longer with us, but would probably still be more effective on the wing than Stevie Crawford.

EAST FIFE: God alone knows, KT Tunstall?

EAST STIRLINGSHIRE: Probably Sky Sport’s stat-a-holic Jeff Stelling, although when he’d get a free Saturday I’m not sure.

ELGIN CITY: Erm…the Earl of Elgin? Fine until they drew a Greek team in the European Cup and then all hell would break loose over those bloody marbles. They must have been good steelies that’s all I’m saying.

FALKIRK: No idea….seriously….the guy that designed the Falkirk Wheel?

FORFAR: A giant bridie, pure and simple.

GRETNA: Brooks Mileston, the touchline would be littered with fag ends, chip pokes and lucozade bottles, and due to Brook’s ill health he would probably vastly over pay a journeyman midfielder to take the throw in’s for him, ‘living the dream’ indeed!

HAMILTON ACCIES: Erm….Jimmy Greaves used to have a soft spot for them, but would he last the season?

HEARTS: The obvious choice would be someone Lithuanian, maybe one of the Kursk submarine commanders, they are after all masters of the dodgy dive. But we should really look for someone closer to home to take the throws. As Frankie Boyle says, Alex Salmond looks like he has the cholestoral levels of a fried egg, so he might be too stressed or busy for the job. My money would be on Stephen Hendry and his deliciously named wife Mandy Tart to do the business for the Spambos.

HIBS: The Gaybees are spoilt for choice, the obvious answer would be one of the Proclaimers. Mainly due to the fact that Dougrey Scott and Andy Murray are out of the country a lot. John Leslie is a possibility but we would need to ensure there were no females in the front 20 rows of the stand so we weren’t breaking his various restraining orders. The shock choice is not ex weatherman Lloyd Quinan, boxer Alex Arthur, or Marillion front man Fish, but the former ballboy and soul singer Finlay Quay (‘He’s a hero like Robert de Niro’)

INVERNESS: Our very own Broonaldo, Skidmark’s colour blindness in action would be hilarious. Wooosh!

KILLIE: Gordon Smith claims to be a Killie man, but we’ve a ‘hun’ch he supports another team.

LIVVY: Cicero, not the guy from 43BC and one of Rome’s greatest orators, but that duff singing rap guy.

MONTROSE: One of my cousins: James, David or Uncle Jim

MORTON: Arthur Montford…’Latchford…Aitken….Goal…Good Goal…Good game….Good bye’

MOTHERWELL: Tam Cowan, formerly fat but now averagely weighted funnyman could do a job for the Well if he stays off the pies.

PARTICK THISTLE: Any patronising member of the West coast media, or any bit part actor who used to be in Take the High Road / Taggart who is gay but won’t admit it. Alternatively, one of John Lambie’s pidgeons.

PETERHEAD: A slightly risky strategy this, but an escaped sex offender from the nearby prison would be ideal throw in taker: muscle bound arms, charming with young lads in shorts, need I go on?

QOS: Calvin Harris, see the Pirates know where it’s at. He’s from Dumfries, he’s got the tracksuits and he’s got the tunes to get the job done.

QUEENS PARK: Sadly Bob Crampsey is no longer with us to take the throws for the Spiders.  I think he’s the first of our celebrity throw in takers to die since the scheme started.

RAITH ROVERS: Gordon Brown PM, presumably only having one eye won’t effect him – in fact as pirates we respect this (Senator Deek told me to say this). The other alternative would be God, who will be there watching Marvin Andrews anyway.

RANGERS: Many, many candidates: Sean Connery, Andy ‘Celebrity Fat Club’ Fordham, Gordon Ramsay, Jimmy Calderwood, Harold Shipman, the real Chick Young, Jim White, everyone at the Daily Record, the Yorkshire Ripper (when Leeds are away from home), the Queen, Archie ‘woof’ McPherson, Satan and Fred West. I was going to go for that Lotto Lout that’s got cheap bling and Rangers tattoos everywhere, but in the end i’ve opted for John ‘Smeato’ Smeaton – top tip to Hemdani or anyone of slightly darkish skin, don’t get too close to Smeato or he’ll no doubt ‘banjo’ you in front of the Copland Road.

ROSS COUNTY: You’ve got to be kidding me, Quentin Tarrantino? Colonel Gadaffi?

ST JOHNSTONE: Gravelly voiced Channel 4 supremo Stuart Cosgrove, alternatively anyone with a tractor.

ST MIRREN: Chick Young (ahem)

STENNY: One of the members of the Norwegian Supporters Club? Or maybe a Highland Coo in tribute to the locally produced confectionary. We’d need to saw the horns off the beast though, or there would be fatal stabbings when it came to aeriel challenges on the touchline.

STIRLING ALBION: God…….Robert the Bruce?

STRANRAER: Maybe something to do with the Wicker Man? Is Britt Ekland still in good shape?

ANY SUGGESTIONS AND IMPROVEMENTS TO THE CELEBRITY THROW IN LISTS PLEASE LET ME KNOW 

The Platini Email In Full 

Dear Monsieur Platini,

We are the world’s only pirate-themed Scotland supporters club, and one of our most revered and esteemed members, Senator Innes, has had an idea to improve our beautiful game.

We would like to propose that to make the game more exciting for fans, each team in Europe has to nominate a celebrity (from the worlds of tv, film, music, sport etc) to take their throw ins during the game. We realise that not every club has celebrity supporters, but this should not get in the way of what we see as THE revolutionary development for the improvement of the game. Can you imagine the excitement at a Manchester United – Bayern Munich Champions League game, when Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall took all the throws for United? Maybe Michael Schumacher could take them for Bayern?

Elsewhere, maybe for example in the UEFA cup you could have Chas or Dave taking the throws for Spurs, and maybe someone like Bjork taking them for Rekjavik, although to be honest, I’m not really sure who she supports.

We have listed details of our proposal at our website: https://grangemouthpirates.wordpress.com

We have used in this instance Scotland as a test case. I’m sure Gordon Smith would be fine about this. We haven’t actually checked with him, we thought we would take it to you because you are the top man.

Thankyou for your time, I look forward to hearing from you, who knows maybe even you will be allowed to take the throws for St Etienne or someone?

With best wishes

Malcolm MacCallum on behalf of the Grangemouth Pirates of the Carribbean Tartan Army Supporters Club.


5 Responses to “Celebrity Throw In Takers – a Senator Innes initiative”

  1. I can’t take anything Senator Innes says seriously after his rather unfortunate George Michael-esque toilet incident at work.

    However, I’ve come up with what I think is a pretty awesome idea. Instead of penalty shootouts which, as Chris Waddle probably agrees, are shit, UEFA should give the old ‘Golden System’ another runout, only this time with the added excitement of an extra ball being introduced every 3 minutes. I don’t like to throw words like ‘genius’ around willy-nilly, but I’m pretty sure I am one.

  2. Obviously that should be the ‘Golden Goal’ system. I may not be quite the genius I’ve bigged myself up as.

  3. Breaking news….Scotland’s Gabby Logan…..ahem….Hazel Irvine apparently supports Dumbarton. Don’t know if she could take the throws with all the bowls and curling going on though.

  4. The new and improved MAGS HEANEY – when she gets oot of Cornton Vale, should be a cert for taking the throws at Stirling Albion home games.

  5. Calvin Harris is a killie fan not a QOS fan.

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