Galaxy v Bandits match programme



















@ Grangemouth Sports Complex.


Saturday 24th August 2008

Kick Off 3pm, Followed by Swally


An official Grangemouth Pirates Tartan Army 1st Birthday event.


WELCOME from the Galaxy….







Today we welcome back our old ‘friends’ the Barclay Bandits. It’s a pleasure to see Matthew and the boys again after all these years. However, all feelings of nostalgia will be tossed aside when the match kicks off; I know you, the Galaxian Army, would expect nothing else. I think it’s fair to say that the Galaxy have always been the purist team to watch out of the two. We believe in the passing game and employ a certain playing style that was not always evident from our younger opponents. The Bandits, practitioners of the type of kick and rush football that faded out in the 1980s, may have won matches on the park but they won few fans amongst the neutral football supporters.  More importantly, I heard recently on the stationary grapevine that the crinkle cut scissor is now the essential product for home and office in 2008.










WELCOME from the Bandits….







This takes me back, a fixture that has lived long in Grangemouth folklore.  Sadly the Sunday night games between these clubs were stopped when the rival manager moved to Edinburgh.  We were lucky enough to continue our footballing activities twice a week,  originally with a midweek game for Grangemouth Tesco plus random mates.  Since then we have seen a Galaxy favourite (as in his day he was a decent player and a lot thinner) Andrew Hulett, and when no other person would play Derek “Deek” Davidson, play in these games.  This link, and probably alcohol, has allowed today’s fixture to become, hopefully, an annual occurrence.


With desire and commitment and I am confident for a Bandits win.  Thank you for your attendance for today’s game.







A Birthday Greeting from Pele.





‘Happy Birthday to you, my friends in football. On 21 August 2008 the pirates were exactly one year old .Bravo!  I understand that it was a dark and dreary evening at Falkirk ‘Half a’ Stadium exactly 365 days ago, when a sprinkling of club members produced a scaled down version of the club flag at the Scotland v Czech Republic U21 game and The Beautiful Game as we know it was changed forever. From then the club has gone from strength to strength and you now boast 26 full beautiful members and 10 beautiful friends.


In many ways the existence of your club is thanks to a Braime style merger between the Galaxy and the Bandits, so it seems appropriate that these two Beautiful Game monoliths are playing each other today. And what better venue than the home of football itself, Grangemouth Sports Complex.


‘Celebrity throw in takers, Shoe Violence, SpamAlarms (patent pending), Illustrated Internationals, New Scotland Empire, Barge Travel, Africa in a Campervan…these are just some of the ideas that the Grangemooth Pirates Tartan Army have had over the past year. You can be assured that the club boffins will continue to swim about in their thinktank dreaming up more innovative and revolutionary plans to improve pirate themed football supporting in your country.  Right I’ve got to Jog On now, I’m away to buy some crinkle cut scissors, it really is the most decorative and inexpensive way to spruce up a tired paper tablecloth.


Awrabest,                  Pele







Since the depression in the crinkle cut scissor market, young master MacCallum has been forced to work for a living. Recently became a professional bowler. Can be contacted at any time of the day or night if you want crinkle cut scissors.






Flapper of the flipper supreme, Commander Davidson has retired from the beautiful game but hopes to make a comeback in the legendary jersey of the Galaxians. Just don’t ask him to go near the pool, because he’s already packed his swimming gear.







Fresh from his Vladimir Romanov controversy, the 11foot midfielder certainly knows the angles on the field, the debut boy is known to the fans and some sections of the tabloid media as Pythagoras Cockshovel. II


















The official club vegetarian has sprouted a family, despite a five year absence from the beautiful game; we’re sure he’s still a dead shot in front of goal and blessed with the speed of a slightly animated terrapin.






Making his debut for the team between the sticks, the Bosman signing is a welcome addition to the Galaxy family. He is said to be able to produce the occasional mazy run very similar to the markings on a piece of paper after it has met another magnificent pair of crinkle cut scissors.





Legendary front man Scrambled Egg is as controversial on the field as he is off it.  A favourite target of the gutter press, this volatile but predatory goal machine will be looking to do his talking on the park today.














SPAG        Time has not ravaged Archbishop Hulett and his twinkle toe shuffles still delight five a side fans across the region. sadly the Didier Deschamps-a-like is currently in Germanyheusen.




TEENWOLF          Senator Gaybee Chewbacca’s legendary pool dives in  Mallorca won over sceptical locals and curious Swedes alike, sadly due to his missionary work in England this weekend there will be no more hair related thrills and spills this evening.



 BROONALDO      Barry Chebs, the officially elected Duke of Skidmark and Jogonatron2008 salesman extraordinaire, has a ‘played one. scored one’ record for the Galaxy. Sadly due to various restraining orders, he is missing today and presumed to be in Inverness.




JAMIE F    In recent years young Jamie was part of a controversial amalgamation with his dad and his now known as ‘Braime’. Those mad scientists have a lot to answer for.
















Gavin Orr       

Has the distinction of being the smallest goalkeeper ever to play in the Grangemouth Summer League.  A first choice goalkeeper for the Bandits when not doing gay theatre stuff.







Scott Binnie  

Drifted in and out of Bandit life due to relocation at times to Edinburgh.  A favourite for the long ball as you would just pick out the bald guy.






Ross Sherrington 

Tried to rival Galaxy’s “Bish” as the tallest person to play in this fixture.  Playing through the pain barrier to make today’s fixture.













Matthew Barclay  

The “steamer” who helped organise the football.  Lived round the corner from the MacCallum Manse.  Always played as he organised.







Iain Innes      

Got a game as would see the rest of the team going to Grangemouth Sports Complex from his house.  However was always in the Oxgang to find out where Sunday’s game would be played.  Hated playing in Linlithgow as the pitch was too big.









Fitted with improved range and specially adapted for Amsterdam in March. Same old results, but great new Europe wide coverage. Free McSmelly’s Meal Voucher for first 100 ordered. Available from


‘I just pressed the button once and the big bad man with the lizard lighters went away’

Mrs Barry Chebs




Monkeytours International recently ran a luxury coach from Falkirk Bus Station to Beijing, unfortunately due to an adminstative mix up and a smoking ban in the Birds Nest stadium, the monkey was not allowed to light the Olympic flame with his cigar. We’re now driving home, but if you would like your simian sports dreams realised, please do join us on our next trip to London in 2012. We’re taking bookings now!


Breaking News: At our recent AGM we voted 10 – 7 against the monkey using a bow with a flaming arrow to light the flame.



A WORD FROM OUR SPONSERS:                                 


The History of the Crinkle Cut Scissor.


The crinkle cut scissor was born in 1971 and proved an instant success in the nurseries and craft clubs of the country. Originally the scissors were only available by mail order and were manufactured in a church hall by a local knitting group. By the early 80s no paper would be deemed fit for purpose without the familiar crinkle cut lines around it. It is a little known fact that from 1982 – 1987 all Acts of Parliament were crinkle cut, as were all newspapers and magazines published in Britain.  But this was a worldwide phenomenon; footballers contracts, menus, football stickers, Christmas and Birthday cards and even driving licenses were all crinkle cut during this time. Across Europe, new libraries had to be built to cope with the number of crinkle cut books that were filling their shelves.


But the wavy shaped boom was not to last. As the home computer came on the scene, many youngsters were lured away from crinkle cutting activities and many started leaving their scissors at home instead of taking them to school. A series of crinkle cut stab wounds in the Glasgow area also created a lot of negative publicity for this most obviously versatile of stationary products.


Today, in 2008 the crinkle cut scissor is now simply a must have desk or pocket accessory for any person of appropriate breeding. Elegant, lightweight but durable, the future once again looks to be bright for the crinkle cut scissor. You can order yours today from

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