KENNY STIRLING – THE AULD YIN Official Pirate Mascot

 

We were greatly saddened to hear of the passing of Kenny Stirling, also known as ‘The Auld Yin’. Kenny was the official mascot of the pirates and his catchphrases of ‘get tae ****’ and ‘bring us back a victory boays’ were often overheard at various times in Armstrongs Bar, Glasgow from 11.01am-2.47pm on Saturday home matchdays and 2pm-7.48pm on midweek matchdays. We first met King Kenny when we sat at the table closest to the bar; it turned out we were sitting in his seat and he told us to ‘get tae ****’. As a peace offering he was presented with an inflatable sheep, and he told us to ‘get tae ****’ again. After these early misunderstandings, our relationship with him greatly improved over the years and he was happy to let us sit at his table for future games, but no-one ever sat in his seat again. You can see a plaque beside his seat where he used to nurse his pint and watch the games. We hope no-one is sitting on your bit of the cloud Auld Yin.

Sausages and Speedos

One of the most glittering events in the Pirate social calendar took place in Bungle’s Scheme last weekend. Despite torrential rain affecting the ‘Sausages and Speedos’ barbeque, the day was voted a huge success by seasoned partygoers, many of whom had travelled great distances in the hope of catching a glimpse of Bullet the Dog.

The highlight of this showpiece summer event saw a bronzed Bungle wow the celebrity crowd with a display of semi nude cooking; he followed this up with some controversial ‘placed sausage’ antics. Previous barbeques have been marred by a series of unfortunate incidents, most notably when the host only managed to produce 6 rolls for the guests. One insider said: ‘The rolls issue is in the past, however there was a moment when the bog-rolls supply was looking critical, but a crisis was averted’. The ‘sausage in the speedos’ episode was said to have caused gasps of surprise from up and down the Scheme as neighbours, already delighted by the variety of 1980s pop music belting out from the conservatory, frantically jostled for the best position to view what has already become a classic episode of meat-themed humour.

Yellow Cowdenbeaths v Scotland

The Chunder Chariot left Edinburgh at 12 midnight and some of us starting drinking cider and ribena. A mere 9 1/2 hours later the Vomit Comet rolled into London. The boys went straight to the pub and met Donaldinho and the Devil. Innes left the pub to meet some pals and have a jobby. Bungle got his face painted and blew a kazoo. The boys went to the Emirates, to see the Yellow Cowdenbeath’s fluke a 2-0 win. The boys got back on the bus and a mere 9 1/2 hours later they were back in Edinburgh. The time was passed playing the Race Race and talking about Jimmy Jobby-Jackson.

Spot Spag!

Followers of football will already know that the 28th March 2011 marks the 4th anniversary of Andy Day and the 2nd anniversary of International Day of Derek Wetter. To mark the occasion, you can play International Spot Spag (based on an original idea from Innes). The first picture is on the official SFA website and shows some of us and our flag, but can you ‘Spot Spag’?

 

The second picture also involves us at Hampden and is also on the SFA website, this time Spag is not as animated. Can you Spot Unhappy Spag?

 

Dublin Diary – The Inside Story

To be sure. I’m Nick O’Teen, a close friend of Gay Daz, the hairiest Pirate in the world. Holy Mary Mother of God, the boys have landed safely on the Emerald Isle, and I’m delighted to be giving you these updates that have been Potato-Wikileaked to me:

Night 1:

Andy sick on the dancefloor. Gay Daz wears novelty irish hat. Little Innes makes an appearance. Andy shows a policeman his c&ck. Innes applies cream to his ‘chaffing’. Andy rips it a new one on 1st night.

Quote of the Day: Master Innes: ‘I’ve hurt my back doing a sh1t’

Night 2:

Deek and Andy retire to hotel at 9.30. Met the Devil. Grant and Innes rip it a new one. Gay Daz goes missing. Gay Daz gets lost. Gay Daz goes AWOL. Gay Daz causes a ‘disturbance’ in the hotel lobby at 5am.

Stay tuned for more updates as I get them….to be sure……

Hooped Bawbags – An exclusive from our man in the (potato) field.

Sources close to the Irn Bru Tang Clan have told us that Celtic Football Club have started a campaign to have ‘Bungle-friendly’ STV weatherman Sean Batty suspended from his role on the telly. An insider at Walkers Crisps (made from only the finest quality potatoes) said: ‘It’s quite obvious that this is a campaign to undermine Neil Lennon’s regime at Parkhead. We know Aberdeen are a stick-on three points for the Hoops, and all this nonsence about there being snow is just a cover up. There’s only sunshine in Paradise. We think the game should have gone ahead’.

Despite the country being covered in a six foot blanket of snow, Celtic hingamy John Reid issued a statement calling for Mr Batty’s suspension and even went as far as to suggest Michael Fish, despite retiring some years ago, should be executed.

Peter Sloss was not available for comment.

Not so Spainful….

Nae strikers in Prague! 0-1

Go’an Yersel’ Michelle…

97th minute at Hampden and big boned beauty Michelle McManus pops up at the back post to score. 2-1 for Scotland. Goodnight Liechtenstein.

Taking the Lith…..Kaunas in wee words!

Mark Kermode. Irn Bru Tang Clan. Paulo Di Canio (lookalike).Little Innes. Spag 1st Night Party. African Transvestite. Guy from Tarantino Film. Fran Healey. Heartbreak Hotel. Deathtrap stadiums. Campbelton Loch. Nacho Novo. Big Jock Stein.Devil Dogs.Pizza Jazz.Strawberry Fizz.Pear Fizz.Cherry Fizz.Carpet Burns.Paramedic Advice. George from Forres.Selling Balloons.The Devil.Ally. Jeagermeister. 7 to a room. Flapjack table. Arbroath. No photos in casino.Hot tub time machine. Mo Mo Super Mo. Gun Shops.Nazi bars.Stealing Denim.Puking.Fitba in the Street. Grant on a tank. Hash.Graffiti. GPTA. Dangerous Cludgies. Sleeping in airports. Werder Bremen. Nazi Bar. Puke. Hot Tub Time Machine.Blue Tac for Jam.Innes Crossing A Road.Being Deaf. We have no cider. We have cider. You Know She Said No. Daren Beasting with his Pal. Big Davie Weir and a 5-3 win. Peeing in Woods. Lost in Woods. Phone number on boarding pass. Pineapple Tartan Army. Scars.Hangovers.

Blu-Tac For Jam?

As part of our bid to help the world come out of its financial difficulties, we would like to propose our new way of paying for Jam by using Blu-tac. At the moment this versatile adhesive based currency is only accepted in Bremen market stalls.

 Following our most recent trip to Germany the BTFJ index is now up three points.

 GPTA would like to make clear that we have no links at all to the Sellotape For Marmalade group.

Some Blu-Tac

Some Jam

Every So Often Something Happens At A Scotland Game That No-one Can Explain……

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

Marriage and Sausages – Pirate Relationship Update

Congratulations to Senator Jamie Winehouse who got hitched to Margaret this summer in a glittering ceremony at the Three Kings. Many pirates attended the Stag Do in Sunderland and the wedding in Falkirk. On the day most of us were well behaved, apart from Senator Ferguson who kept dipping under the table every 10 minutes to have a mighty sook out of his hipflask.

In other relationship news, congratulations are also due to Senator Bungle, he was recently snapped out on the town enjoying a ‘sausage tea’ with what my sources have described as a ‘close friend’. This sparked rumours around Edinburgh that Bungle was now off the market and engaged to be married to his fellow reveller. A minutes silence was held in CC Blooms.

The Pirates Return! First Nautical Adventure Over – The Diary.

Day 1 Friday                                      

S.Africa 1 – Mexico 1                     

Uruguay 0 – France 0

Following a Thursday night de-brief from the Captain in a Grangemouth tavern, the crew spent their last night on Scottish soil before departing on their iron ships down the tarmac ways to the dark lands of England. An early start allowed the crew to speed their way South, with the good Captain Seabiscuit only stopping to punch his satnav in the face a few times. Upon arriving at the mustard lands of Norwich a mere 9 hours later, the men quickly decamped to a bar to begin the binge drinking.  The Captain was asked to leave many a premises because of his ‘unseemly behaviour’ with the locals.  The Fitba was quite dull.

Day 2 Saturday                               

 S.Korea 2 – Greece 0                     

Argentina 1 – Nigeria 0                

England 1 – USA 1

 The crew picked up First Mate ‘Hank’ Ferguson who had arrived in the mustard lands from London town.  A dartboard and a mustard beer mat, essential for any boating holiday, was purchased and a small prayer was made at Norwich Cathedral.  Upon arriving in Stalham the initial reaction from the crew was one of disappointment, as there were no men with wooden legs or parrots to be seen, and there were no hooks for hands in evidence either. The crew were made to hand over a deposit and were given a few instructions on how not to drown. The men were then given a map and a bible each and equipped with their underwater flotation devices were pointed in the direction of the good ship San Juan. The men were then given a short instruction on how to operate the vessel. This involved clattering into two boats and also a first view of the local wildlife – in this case a couple of cockwarblers. Captain Seabiscuit proved himself to be a master and commander of the vessel in the test run.

The queen of the seas was a sturdy vessel boasting a ‘black AND white TV’, a couple of cludgies that could double up as luxurious showering facilities. The crew wasted no time in arranging their berths. At the bow of the ship, the First Mate enjoyed a palatial cabin with state of the art shelving, ample storage, a sea view and a variety of Egyptian cotton bedding, Molton Brown soaps and Old Spices. To his right was the cabin boy Bungle, who lived in a little wooden cage opposite the Captain’s Cludgie. The captain himself had a luxurious berth in the cockpit where he could practise the ‘Captain’s Privilege’ till he ached all over. The rest of the crew were under strict instructions to knock before entering the captain’s bunk, in case he was disturbed when he was ‘examining his nautical charts’. Strangely when entering the cabin, no maps could be seen, only biscuit crumbs.

The lower orders, namely the crew and the ship moth were quartered in the stern cabin a dark, unforgiving, soul-crushing, place. Crew Member Sp10 had the best of the lower orders accommodation, a small room complete with window and storage space where he could sit budda like regarding the proceedings of the ship. Crew Member De09, a man whose snoring abilities would become the talk of the Seven Seas was stationed on the Starboard side of the ship, this left Crew Member Ma08 on the port-side berth, a hardened ledge of 14mm in width. The ship moth seemed happy to buzz about the TV.

In order to improve morale, Captain Seabiscuit ordered a land raid on a nearby supermarket for bounty. The Crew came back laden with crates of beer, meaty edibles and bog roll. Within a matter of minutes the San Juan left the dock, crowds of midgies waved them off as they set sail for Great Yarmouth. The commencement of the voyage was marked by the drinking of many bottles of beer and listening to the First Mate’s nautical mix-tape.

Upon arriving in Horning, the men moored successfully and fought off some enemy ducks. Alas, they happened across the only settled part of England that did not boast the attraction of television. Neither the Swan Inn nor the New Inn could provide a tv! The crew split, with some of the men watching England – USA on the San Juan and others indulging in large pub meals.

Day 3     Sabbath              

 Algeria 0 – Slovenia 1                   

 Serbia 0 – Ghana 1                         

Germany 4 – Australia 0

Upon mooring today, the crew set up their outdoor dartboard and began playing with a young Englishman with a full head of come to bed hair. There was major scene in the bar when First Mate Ferguson tried to put on the Germany game and an annoyed land-lubber shouted ‘some of us are trying to watch Countryfile’.  Many beers flowed and the First Mate and Crew Member  Ma08 soon  found themselves behind the bar negotiating a lock in.

 Day 4     Monday             

 Holland 2 – Denmark 0                

 Japan 1 – Cameroon 0                   

Italy 1 – Paraguay 1

 Today the crew put on their land legs and set off to find a pub across many fields and forests. The crew were dressed as Japottish people (Japanese – Scots), while Bungle the Cabin Boy looked resplendent in his new Cameroon shirt. The Men of the Waves eventually found a bar and watched the mighty Nippon crush the Cameroonies 1-0.  On the way back the men stopped off at a bar with a large parrot in it and a 6 year old Columbian barboy called Philippe.

 Day 5     Tuesday                             

New Zealand 1 – Slovakia 1        

Ivory Coast 0 – Portugal 0            

 Brazil 2 – N.Korea 1

 Crew Member Ma08 was confined to the sick bay with an acute case of alcohol poisoning.  The fit members of the crew went to watch the most boring game in the world cup so far – Ivory Coast 0 – Portugal 0 and play some pool. During the morning Crew Member De09 suffered the first and last major injury of the voyage – a skinned leg suffered when helping to moor the vessel. In the evening there was some street football and world cup classic moments performed as Crew Member Sp10 cremated some sausages on a hastily set up barbeque.  Bungle the Cabin Boy’s ‘Scorpion’ kick re-enactment was a truly special moment, as was the Captain’s ‘special’ back-bum penalty save whilst wearing his working jacket.

 Day 6     Wednesday                 

    

Honduras 0 – Chile 1                     

 Spain 0 – Switzerland  1               

 South Africa 0 – Uruguay 3

In the morning the Captain announced to the crew that today was the day they were getting the ‘sh*te sooked ooty us’. The two cludgies were now filling up dangerously.

The crew landed at a nice pub and used the opportunity to charge up their electrical accoutrements whilst watching the biggest upset of the tournament so far: Switzerland 1 – Spain 0. The varied afternoon involved crazy golf, mini-karting, air hockey and a failed attempt at a team photo. Crew Member Ma08 was inked and later showed off the artwork to the shocked bar.

 

 Day 7     Thursday                  

          

 Argentina 4 – S Korea 1                

 Greece 2 – Nigeria 1                      

France 0 – Mexico 2

 The Captain and Crew Member De09 made their way to a motor museum, while the rest of the crew headed into the bright lights of Great Yarmouth on shore leave. It was a grotty, faded and deserted port of little note. The men found a small tavern to play darts and watch Argentina dismantle South Korea. The Captain and Crew Member De09 finally arrived after walking into town and made their way to a museum of fish! Bless my barnacles, I didn’t know a tuna could swim at 50mph (presumably that’s when out of the tin). The crew then made their way for a curry and then walked the deserted streets looking for a pub with people in it instead they found two dead seagulls in an alley. While trying to watch Mexico pump the French, Bungle the Cabin Boy was delighted to meet a ‘Yaz-a-like’.

 Day 8     Friday   

                               

 Germany 0 – Serbia 1                    

 Slovenia 2 – USA 2                         

England 0 – Algeria 0

The crew awoke to hear the news that the little shop beside the boat mooring had been broken into. All that was left was some strands of bear hair on the smashed window. All the cigarettes, lighters and tanning products were stolen. The cabin boy Bungle was missing for most of the morning. Must have been a coincidence. After the crew made several visits to the ‘land cludgie’ following their curry, the San Juan set sail to a small Benedictine monastery, thus satisfying Crew Member De09’s love of 12^th century religious ruins. A few wrong turns and the crew made it to their lunch stop. A small walk and a few pints later, they wavered their way back to the San Juan. The First Mate blemished his otherwise impeccable sailing record with a turbo charged take off leaving the mooring in a tangle of ropes and smashed boats.

 The men then came to a bar in Stalham to watch the England game. The 0-0  game was immensely enjoyed by the visitors. The night ended in some chaos with Crew Member Sp10 wanting to sing Wet Wet Wet’s classic ‘Angel Eyes’ on karaoke. Thankfully that didn’t happen and Bungle the cabin boy wowed his snaggle-toothed, heavily tattoed audience with a deeply moving rendition of Dignity by Deacon Blue.

PIRATE TO RELEASE ALBUM

CD Description

Billed as the first ever choral boy band, The Choirboys – Ben, Patrick and G.D. – were plucked from obscurity at auditions that took place at Chester cathedral. This, their debut album, sees the boys performing choral standards and pop and rock classics while backed by the English C***hamber Ensemble.

 

Track listing

1. The Wheels On The Night Bus Go Round and Round

2. Wig Yam Bam

3. Smoke (Natalie Imbruglia cover)

4. Sunshine On Leith

5. I Will Survive

6. Jump In My Car (Unless It’s Deek’s)

7. Smalltown Boy

8. Swing low, sweet chariot

9. Enola Gay

10. Glory Glory To The Gaybees

GEORGE OF THE ‘BUNGLE’: BURLEY SACKED DUE TO GAY DAZ SNUB?

Speculation is growing today that George Burley was sacked, not for the poop-filled 3-0 defeat to Wales, but due to his continual omission of our very own Bungle from his Scotland squads.

This website understands that the first task of the new Scotland manager will be to try to entice Bungle to pledge his allegiance to the Scottish cause. The hirsute shot-stopper (formerly known as Gay Daz and a selection of other names) recently revealed that under the ‘Five Year School Ruling’, he is also eligible to play for England and is already eyeing up a place in Fabio Capello’s World Cup squad for next year. Many pundits assumed Bungle won his only Scotland cap in the 9-3 defeat by England in 1961, but apparently this was not the case.

Speaking from a phonebox beside a field in East Lothian at 4:30am one Sunday morning, Bungle recently told us: ‘Malky, is that you? Where am I? I fell asleep on the nightbus again, is it left or right at Haddington? Who’s going to feed the cats?’

I also understand that both the managers of Grangemouth Galaxy and the Barclay Bandits have ruled themselves out of the running for the Scotland job, preferring instead to concentrate on the day to day glamour of managing their respective clubs.

AFRICA IN A CAMPERVAN CANCELLED!

The Africa In A Campervan plan has now been cancelled. In other news Jamie and Innes have had babies. So it’s Klinkenpoops all round and well done to them.

ps. We should point out that Innes and Jamie are not a couple and have had babies with their own wife / partner,  it’s not Fife you know.

It’s taken a Dam’ long time….Klinkenpoop pics

Younger readers may not realise, but back towards the start of the year 2009, the GPTA had a visit to Amsterdam. After a period of legal wrangling, photographs from this diplomatic mission to the Netherlands have now been released and are published today for the fist time. More pics have also been added to the Amsterdam Diary posting. Historians confirm these photographs were taken back in the days when Molly Sugden was still alive, Bungle was just called Gay Daz and wee Susan Boyle wasn’t even born!

PIRATES ON TV

Four senators were caught on television this weekend (well Falkirk tv) as an open top bus took the beaten finalists back to the Falkirk Stadium.

What happened next wasn’t caught on film.  One of the locals (pictured) from Firkins Bar asked the gentleman in the light blue Falkirk top for £1.  The gentleman then pretended he had received a phone call before leaving.

GAY DAZ’S BBQ PREPARATION PICTURES

REMEMBERING BERTIE’S BOYS

Can you remember Bertie’s Boys as Ian Crocker called them 2,852 times on Sky Sports?  Answers down the right hand side of the screen.

SENATOR DEEK LOOK-A-LIKE COMPETITION NOW CLOSED

After the success of the Andy Hulett look-a-like competition won by Derek Wetter, the pirates recently ran a Derek “Deek” Davidson Doppelganger.  A big thank you to Gay Daz’s gaffer for presenting the trophy to Robert Grieve.  Also, after hearing what states Baize used to get into when he was a postie, the pirates are not surprised with this news. 

TWO PEOPLE HELP OUT THE COUNT WHEN ASKED “HOW MANY CAPS DID ALLAN McGREGOR WIN FOR SCOTLAND”?

This web-site deals with only facts, so we’re not here to slag off McGregor and Ferguson.

 

Barry’s goal scoring ratio was 1:15 and is up there with many average midfielders that have played international football.  He also has played international football for eleven years averaging just over four caps a year (roughly Scotland play between 5 and 6 competitive matches a year).  Along with Ryan Giggs, Barry has the British record for pulling out of international friendly matches.  Barry made his international debut in September 1998 and Scotland haven’t qualified for a major tournament since the Summer of 1998.

AMSTERDAM DIARY – We’re home!

Day One
Friday 27th March 2009

Originally Anne Frank was going to write this diary as well, but when the time came for her to jot down a few things, I couldn’t find her, I think she might have been hiding.

The Edinburgh contingent travelled through on the Airport Bus, during the journey Gay Daz received his tartan trousered gift and much time was spent admiring Senator Ferguson’s new kilt. The early seeds of the ‘Sky Rockets In Flight’ song were planted around Corstorphine.

For a change, the Pirates decided to meet at the bar at the Airport and soon the refunded money from the ‘Race to 58’ taxi fiasco was being put to good use buying liquids in jars. The group were relieved to see the ghostly presence of Senator Gav who had quite literally risen from his hospital sick bed to make the trip. He had a set of horse tranquillisers, ‘painkillers’ and other weird tablets the size of dinner plates, to keep him company on the flight. The flight passed uneventfully, many of the Senators spending most of their time standing in a queue to use the toilet.

After a short period of disorientation, the boys got out of Schiphol and into Amsterdam. Senator MacCallum immediately endeared himself to locals by asking ‘what part of Germany is this?’. Two policemen nudged us in the direction of the hotel. There is nothing like a 5 star luxurious hotel and this was nothing like a 5 star luxurious hotel. Forget the Kilimanjaro climb for Comic Relief, our trip to get to our rooms resulted in loss of oxygen and altitude sickness up some ridiculously steep stairs.

Despite Gay Daz not booking the rooms, there were 8 beds for 9 of us. A flea ridden jobby-stained mattress, measuring 4mm in thickness, was quickly ordered for Senator MacCallum and the group headed out into the town.

As Senator Broonaldo does not like curries, the boys decided to go for a curry and soon the delights of Heineken were being sampled at a furious pace. There then followed a pub-crawl around the town, which included….

some homosexual arm-wrestling, a meeting with Grantanamo’s Duddingston teammates, a spot of window-shopping and some criss crossing of a canal.

Day Two
Saturday 28th March 2009
Derek Wetter Day / Match Day

 

After heading out for breakfast, the boys met up at a large cellar bar near Dam square. They were cutting it tight, as there was only 8 hours of drinking time before kick off. Much to the delight of the group, Senator Innes produced some ‘Pirate Activity Kits’ and soon the lads around the table had the scissors and glue out to make some lovely garments for the day. The fact that today was Derek Wetter Day made things even better.

Match day and the first disaster of the holiday. Despite many attempts, Senator Gav was refused permission to pick up his ticket from the SFA ticket booth. Apparently because he wasn’t called Jennifer Sherrington he wasn’t getting in.

After a steep climb / elevator, the Senators were scattered around the Scotland end in the cavernous Amsterdam ArenA (apart from Senators Broonaldo and Hambleton Loch who were in the posh seats). The match kicked off and we were doing ok for a bit before some schloppy defending meant were were 2-0 down as the ref hooted his half time mouth horn. The second half was a bit bland and the Dirk Kuyt penalty sealed things up for the Dutch. On the way home Senator MacCallum led a small diversion to have a pee behind a hedge beside a canal.

The fans mingled on the train home, the Scots fans were of course more mingled than others, and the talk was of the great Dutch players to have played in Scotland. A quick poll resulted in Falkirk’s central defender Hertz Van Rental to be the best ever.

Senator MacCallum soiled his reputation by going virtually straight home, as did Senator Spag who has never been noted for his legendary 2nd night on holiday stamina. The other lads went back to the cellar bar and discussed some finer points on Dutch renaissance art and the forthcoming G20 summit in London, or maybe they just got plummed on the Heineken.

Day 3
Sunday 29th March 2009
Senator Inez’s Birthday

The boys split into the culture and sport camps today. Senators Gav, Grantanamo, Broonaldo, Hambleton Loch went to museums, on pedalos in canals, sampled local produce, whilst Senators MacCallum, Innes, Spag, Gay Daz and Spag went to sample a football match: AGOVV Applejuice v Go Ahead Eagles.

The match was played in a cute wee stadium in a forest. The artificial pitch was heavily watered and was flanked by cherub-cheeked ball boys with marvellously full heads of hair. The kilts attracted some attention from the locals, but the main attraction was kneecap shaped lumps of miscellaneous meats that were served on rolls to the fans. In the end the Birds of Prey won 5-1 in an entertaining match.

By this time Senator Innes had well and truly lost his phone. As it was one of the very early mobile phones, dating from 1987, it was understandable he was quite upset at losing this, he was all set to donate it to the Dutch mobile phone museum in Klinkenpoop.

The train journeys home allowed the boys to sample the first beery delights of the day, a quick stop off at the hovel, I mean hotel and then it was out again into the bars for more local culture. By this time Senators Innes and Gav were off to Utrecht for a gig, so the rest of the boys got tucked into swally and then headed towards the Leidesplein for some food. An unfortunate incident occurred in the restaurant when Gay Daz asked the perfectly nice waitress if she had meatballs, no need for that.

After some swally and comedy photographs at the adjacent bar, the boys ended up at some deserted nightclub where there was some shameful behaviour with floral garlands, sunglasses, invisiball (trademark Race to 58) table tennis, naked dancing (step forward the birthday boy Senator Innes). The night ended with some more drinking in another establishment and the meeting of the very large and tough Scottish football casual. At bedtime the clock said 7am. (sensibly Senator Innes called it a night at 6).

DAY 4
Monday 30th May 2009

Our flight wasn’t until late at night, so some of us (well Senator MacCallum) seized the chance to get special drunk. Throughout the day tournaments of pool and darts took place and some souvenirs were bought. You can only imagine the delight on Senator Gav’s face when he found out he was sitting beside Senators MacCallum and Gay Daz on the way home. I’ve never seen anyone put an ipod on quicker after take-off.

When we eventually landed into Edinburgh, three people on the plane clapped (they thought they were at Prestwick). The Wright Brothers flew a plane in 1909 and since then we’ve become quite good at it (admittedly there have been a few high profile exceptions), so we should really be beyond clapping on landings. Senator MacCallum delivered a small lecture on this as we taxied along the runway. Bruno Aguiar from Hearts was not thought to be one of those who clapped.

The Edinburgh contingent searched for bottles of Klinkenpoop beer in the town, got the now honking flag out, and generally carried on the carnage and misbehaviour until it was time to go home.

More details to follow when they can be fished from our collective memories.

ANNE FRANK – DIARY 27TH-31ST MARCH 2009

27^th March 2009

I heard that the Grangemouth Pirates have arrived on shore so decided to hide, especially as I didn’t want pestered by the new official (moving from friend of status) pirate Broonaldo.  My friends tell me that 15,000 people have seen my maw in a windae.

 

 

28^th March 2009

Thought about putting my coupon on, but just decided to hide.  My friends tell me they see a massive pirates flag just next to the Gay Armwrestling Bar.  However I was hiding.

 

 

29^th March 2009

As it was the Sabbath, I hid.  Especially as my friends were going to the Paradiso Club, though I could have easily have hid there.

 

 

30^th March 2009

 

I realised that I was running out of Klinkinpoop, so thought about going down to Haddows.  However decided to hide instead with the second best collection of leather bound books that the Netherlands has ever seen.

 

DUTCHING CLOTH? Nervy Night Ahead for Scots in Amsterdam…..

 

Senators Broonaldo, Deek, Malc, Gay Daz, Derek Wetter, Gav, Guinness, Hambleton Loch (I wish you were whisky) and Grantanamo Bay will all be heading to Amsterdam this Friday. Unlike the Scotland squad we’re all fit (within reason) and up for the challenge of 4 days of swally and tartan based buffoonery in the Venice of the North. As well as going to the match, over the weekend the Pirates will be celebrating Andy Day / Derek Wetter Day (see picture above) and Senator Innes’s birthday. The last word on the subject goes to Horace in his Epistles, I.xi.27: ‘Coelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt’ [‘They who hurry across the sea change their surroundings, not their souls’].

A full, but probably heavily edited, report on the shenanigans will appear on this website.

Other news:

The Galacticos of Grangemouth Galaxy powered to victory over Barclay Bandits to win the inflatable European Cup.

For the Iceland game on Wednesday we’ll be having a drink before the match

Big Match Ticket Scramble! Latest News…

Ticket mania has hit Scotland this week: the official supporters ballot has taken place, the chat rooms have been swamped with people looking for precious ‘match briefs’ but it is official, the Grangemouth Galaxy v Barclay Bandits re-match on Saturday 14 March is now sold out. Behind the scenes preparations for the match are in full swing, Senator Innes only stopped briefly from his training camp to pose for a photo indicating his belief he will score a hat-trick. Senator Gay Daz, at the same time, appears to be soiling his shorts (again).

Senator MacCallum would like to announce that since the Willo Flood gags have now apparently dried up, he is willing to re-start writing entries into this critically esteemed website.

Also, Calvin Harris will no longer be taking the throws for QOS, he’s  a Killie fan apparently.

And finally, we’re all going to Amsterdam in 4 weeks for a smoke and a pancake.

ALL DWIGHT ON THE NIGHT – Latapy and Yorke join the Friends of the Pirates

Senators Gay Daz and the Spagster were pure delighted to welcome Russell Latapy and his celebrity neeber Dwight Yorke into the pirates family last Saturday. The rummed up Trinadadionians and Tabogonians were simply mega chuffed to cosy up to two of our finest Senators in a Falkirk hostelry. They were also gushing in their praise of the GTPA and their swallymungus beliefs. This photo was taken after ‘Russell Latapy Day’ at Falkirk Stadium, the teams celebrated the silky skills of the wee man with a uproariously bad exhibition of pure crap SPL fitba. It is thought that due to meeting the Senators, Dwighty was instantly promoted to c0-caretaker manager of Sunderland. 

P.S. as soon as Hearts of Midlithuania finally go to the wall, we will repost the picture of Vlad with eyepatch without fear of being Litvinenko’d (with apologies to Senator Grantanamo Bay and The Gav)

ARG-ONY FOR THE TARTAN TUMBLEWEEDS.

 

The Scotland v Argentina game was always going to be a match that was overshadowed by one very controversial manager, and so it proved when Senator Innes, boss of the Barclay Bandits (2008), sensationally introduced not only a pair of pirate teeth but also a pirate telescope to the crowd at Hampden Park.  Sadly, these new accessories could not inspire Scotland to defeat the Argie Bargieonians.

 

The 1-0 defeat for Scotland means they haven’t won a friendly match at home since the battle of Necthansmere in 685. But it wasn’t all bad news, as a new Senator from Argentina, Senator Matias was inducted into the club in a moving pre match ceremony in Armstrongs Bar. In other naming news Senator Hammie will now be known as Hambleton Loch and The Baize will now be the Maze (joining Malcatraz, Darlinnie and Grantanamo Bay in our hilarious list of amusing prison themed titles)

 

Oh aye before I forget, apparently at the 1986 World Cup, Argentina’s manager, Derek Madonna scored a goal with his hand against England. We only know this because it was mentioned once in a newspaper in the build up to Wednesday’s game.